He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
