At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
