My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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