I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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