This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
