Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
