mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I need to calm my uterus...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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