life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
