I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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