My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
