Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize