Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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