I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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