i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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