On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
