im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i think i just lost a toe
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
