Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
