I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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