Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
