end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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