I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
