I'm lost and stupid without you.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
