how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize