Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
