Apparently you make a good broom.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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