Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
