Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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