I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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