Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
50% drunk capacity currently
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
