I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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