There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
