Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
