smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize