he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
