Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
