you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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