This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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