What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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