I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
