booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
soo... how was my night?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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