some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
