I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
ok first of all what the fuck
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
