My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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