So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
