fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
