Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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