I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
