so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We need a shit load of segways right now
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
