awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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