i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
There r osticjed everywhere
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
