i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
