I am spending my child support on dildos
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
PANTIES FOUND
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