Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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