who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
