we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
did i just pee glitter
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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