You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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