last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
