Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
i out mim tonsoeep
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize