i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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