I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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