dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
