Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
